happy birthday... wish you were here

You would be 39 today, and as with every year that June 15 rolls around, I can't help wondering about the man you would be today, if you were still here... I can only speculate on what you would be doing in work, in love... I imagine you would be in Melbourne, cheffing or making wine and food work in ways that left others gasping... weekends away wielding a sword, late midweek evenings when you know you should be abed (much as I should be... It's 3.35am on a 'school night')... would it really be that nothing has changed?? Somethings yes, somethings no.


I wish I could know.


I still wish you were here.


The years pass, the seasons cycle, and my life has moved in ways I could never have guessed at when you were still in it... but though I think of you now as one of my much loved friends rather than the life partner that once you were, i still miss you. Sometimes, every day for a time, sometimes not for weeks, but then you leap out of the corner of some ancient building, or from the face of a stranger, and you're as real as every walk we ever took, down any street...


I miss you, at times like these. Is it somehow wrong, that I don't miss you all the time, when n ce up on a time you were my every thought? Should I now be letting you go? Where, exactly, doest the middle ground lie? I love to think that if you could see me now, you would be SO proud of the girl I am today... but it's been so long since you were part of my journey...


Mikko I love you. And a part of me will always love you. And I miss you, like a king misses his greatest councillor, like an elbow misses its hinge...I wish... but you are not here, and cannot be more than a ghost who guides my happy thoughts, and steers me away from the saddest times. I hope you found a happy place to rest, amid the bears, the snow, and the lake...


happy birthday, you bastard, I love you. xo