"“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

 

It's 10 years this week since we said goodbye to your earthly presence. But the great breadth of your mind, the depths of your compassion and the boundlessness of your enthusiasm for a million tiny moments ... all these things beat on in the hearts of those whose lives you touched.

More than once, I've been told I hold on too tight to those things, that it's time to end my 'obsession' with 'trying to behave like some guardian' of your memory, to 'let go' of my grief. Would that I could. I might as well cut off my arms and legs, as try to somehow 'unmake' all the parts of me that were made, or grown, or some other way changed through knowing you. Because they are as much a part of me as all the years of childhood, of adolescence and all the joys and sorrows I have known since.

 And if a handful of posts and fervent conversations every year makes me 'obsessed', then I'm prepared to wear that badge, and embrace my little touch of madness. I'm more than happy to live with that. All the best minds have it somewhere, apparently. And mine could have grown into something so, so much worse. (And maybe, just maybe, even now, talking about you is so much easier than acknowledging that in myself. Even now.)

Besides, to remember where I've come from - to celebrate, from time to time, the things I've learned, and overcome... none of this stops me moving forward. Mikko, you will always be the most defining character of my 20s. Yes, I spent a goodly part of my 30s rebuilding when so much of my world imploded on November 11 2004. But I am not ashamed of my occasional tears in my 40s, and they do not stand in the way of  this full and loving life I lead, or the lifelong learning I am pledged to pursue.

I will go on learning from all the great minds that have gone before me, and I will embrace the madness as I seek to define my own wisdom. On my terms. Always.

10 years on...

10 years ago today, one of the brightest stars in the firmament dimmed and went out. Countless adventures have come and gone since then, for all the folk you loved... and yet memories of that day are etched as clearly as this morning. The uniquely 'you-shaped' hole left in the sky is still visible if folk pause to look for it, and your absence at those times looms as large as once did your presence. There are times when I think you are an arse for leaving, because - despite surging extremism, the advent of sexting, and the appalling rise of Tony Abbott - mostly you've missed out on so much good in the world. And you've missed out on the chance to keep making new stories, to be making a difference, in all ways big and small.And that's what's so infuriating to me about you being gone. You bugger.

Oh Captain, my captain!

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it" - Robin Williams

The world lost another great mind on Monday. As the world woke this morning to news that Robin Williams, eternal funny man and imparter of some of the greatest onscreen wisdom (think Good Will Hunting, or the Dead Poets' Society) has died by suicide, people shook their heads in disbelief.

"But he was SO full of LIFE", we all said.

But there's the catch, isn't it? It seems the brightest stars are the ones most at risk of burning out; the people who see the beauty, appreciate the wit and perceive the greatest insights in this world, are the ones most at risk of succumbing to the weight of sorrow and helplessness inflicted by greed, cruelty and injustice.

There's so much in his death that reminds me of the day we all lost Mikko. I've cried for this famous funny man, who  I never knew, in ways I haven't in years, and an old grief that i increasingly recognise has never really been processed, is again never very far from the surface.

At the same time, I have been warmed and encouraged by the beautiful response of his daughter Zelda, which reminds me so very much of the way so many people responded in the wake of Mikko.

"My family has always been private about our time spent together. It was our way of keeping one thing that was ours, with a man we shared with an entire world. But now that's gone, and I feel stripped bare. My last day with him was his birthday, and I will forever be grateful that my brothers and I got to spend that time alone with him, sharing gifts and laughter. He was always warm, even in his darkest moments. While Ill never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay, theres minor comfort in knowing our grief and loss, in some small way, is shared with millions. It doesn't help the pain, but at least its a burden countless others now know we carry, and so many have offered to help lighten the load. Thank you for that.

To those he touched who are sending kind words, know that one of his favorite things in the world was to make you all laugh. As for those who are sending negativity, know that some small, giggling part of him is sending a flock of pigeons to your house to poop on your car. Right after youve had it washed. After all, he loved to laugh too

Dad was, is and always will be one of the kindest, most generous, gentlest souls Ive ever known, and while there are few things I know for certain right now, one of them is that not just my world, but the entire world is forever a little darker, less colorful and less full of laughter in his absence. Well just have to work twice as hard to fill it back up again."

To hold memories of someone close as we learn to live with this gaping hole suddenly ripped in our lives, to hold our living friends and family even closer: and to turn an indifferent yet gracious shoulder to those who would judge, or criticise, or blame. This is a rare state of grace. And I hope and pray with all my heart and knowing that through this togetherness, his family finds the same comfort we did, as we learn to live with an absence that can never entirely go away.

Vale Robin Williams. I wish you didn't feel you had to leave. Thank you for a million laughs and a handful of tears. Both are part of your gift to us all.